Charmed Tales is a series of standalone adult spin-offs set in the world of Charmed. First up: Colors of the Wind, a comedic, grown-up retelling of the legend you know — with all the parts Disney politely left out.

You play Thomas: the youngest recruit, the worst shot, and the only man aboard to have lost a sword fight against a coil of rope. Naturally, that made him the perfect choice to be sent up the river alone to scout for gold — mostly because nobody would miss him.

He loses the canoe over a waterfall and washes up soaked, trouser-less, and thoroughly out of his depth on Powhatan land — where he is promptly adopted by a fearless young woman, a four-hundred-year-old talking willow with a matchmaking hobby, and a raccoon who refuses to give back his pants.

What follows is six weeks of hopeless reports to a governor who only wants gold, escalating “cultural exchanges,” and one very determined tree that intends to see this through. Can the most spare man in the New World actually find something worth staying for?